“Practice gratitude, especially in difficult times.”
The advice you will often hear. I tried but it never worked for me until I decided to understand if there was something I was doing wrong.
We are told that there is a basic rule that we need to follow.
Find three things you are grateful for and write them in your journal. These can be anything and it doesn’t matter how small it is. For eg a bed to sleep in, air to breathe, food on your plate, etc.
I will be honest. I tried but it always felt superficial. My heart and mind called me out for faking gratitude.
What a fraud you are!
I still kept doing it hoping my feelings would change but it never felt right. I began to have second thoughts about the entire concept of gratitude. Clearly either I am doing something wrong or this is just a social media thing to garner attention.
I started digging in to understand what happens at the psychological level and how it affects our minds.
Why was it not working?
In my research, I found that there are a few things that I feel I am doing wrong. These are:
- Forcing myself: I was forcing myself to do things in a mechanical way. It is okay to start with the belief that gratitude works and be in a positive frame of mind without questioning initially. But the internet is flooded with superficial advice and makes you do stuff in a certain way.
You can follow checklists (write 3 things) but you have to bring your nuances into it to make it work for you. - Big life events and gratitude: If you are going through some big event in your life that is pulling you down emotionally, then thanking for the good weather or a morning cup of tea will make you feel disconnected from the practice. If you are feeling down and low, it is normal and you have the full right to feel so.
- Emotional connection: In the last point, we discussed disconnection. If there is no emotional connection to anything you do in your life, it is bound to fail or not give you the desired and fulfilling results.
- Over expectations: Gratitude has become a marketing tool. People expect some magical results just by practicing without actually doing work to resolve problems in their lives. When you understand how it works, which we will discuss in the next section, it can help but the process is slow and takes time.
- Ignoring negative emotions: When you are feeling down, ignoring your negative emotions is the last thing you should be doing. It is very important to acknowledge your real emotions even if they are negative. It will help you process them properly instead of just emphasizing positive emotions using gratitude and ignoring real feelings.
What can you do if gratitude is not working for you?
- Acknowledge your difficult times: Before you start journaling about the good things in your life, you need to acknowledge the things not going your way. Acknowledge the difficult times you are going through. Recognize your pain and challenges. Give yourself the permission to feel those things first rather than rushing onto gratitude journaling.
Example: “Right now, I’m feeling overwhelmed because certain aspects of my life aren’t working out. It’s okay to feel frustrated or sad.”
This allows you to be honest with yourself about how you are really feeling. - Concentrate on real and right things: Instead of showing gratitude for things you don’t really connect with, acknowledge the efforts you are making to overcome challenges in your struggle even if it is a small step forward.
Example: “I’m grateful that, despite feeling lost right now, I’m still showing up for myself and trying to improve.”
Sometimes, gratitude doesn’t have to be about something positive or nice—it can be about recognizing your resilience, or how you’re managing to cope despite tough circumstances. - Focus on Emotional Impact: Instead of making it a routine to list three things every day, focus on one thing that truly resonates with you emotionally. The idea is to be as genuine as you can without disconnecting from real emotions.
Example: “I’m grateful for the moment I spent having a heartfelt conversation with my friend. It made me feel less alone.” - Self-Compassion: There are times in spite of trying everything mentioned above you still feel disconnected from gratitude. It is time to put more focus on self-compassion.
Focusing more on being kind to yourself can be more helpful than forcing gratitude. Alternate between self-compassionate statements and gratitude to ensure you’re giving yourself what you need emotionally.
Example: “I’m feeling lost, and that’s okay. I’m trying my best.” Follow it up with a gratitude statement that feels real: “I’m grateful for my perseverance in not giving up.”
How gratitude helps (scientifically)
Rewiring of the brain
Practising gratitude has its effects but it takes a good amount of time. There are no shortcuts or immediate results. When you practice gratitude regularly and over a long period of time, it can rewire neural pathways in your brain.
Studies have shown that when you engage in feelings of gratitude, it increases activity in the prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain responsible for planning, decision-making, and emotional regulation). Over time, it can help:
- Improve emotional regulation: it helps you see things from a more positive perspective and makes it easier to handle stress and emotional challenges.
- Shift focus to positive experiences: It also trains your brain to look for and focus on things that are going right, even when not much is going your way.
Improve mental health
Studies have shown that it helps in reducing anxiety and depression. It also improves self-esteem and self-image just because you naturally start looking at things in a positive manner including yourself.
Better relationships
You start to appreciate others even if it is privately in your head. When you focus on what you appreciate about others, you’re more likely to engage with them positively.
It also improves communication and increases feelings of connection and closeness in your relationship when you feel grateful for those around you.
